Requesting Prayer, Very Big Day Ahead

I'm sitting down on the eve of my 30th birthday to update you all on a very big couple of days that lay ahead of us.  I think at this point in most people’s lives they take some time to reflect on their last 30 years.  I think some people get a little depressed because maybe they aren’t where they expected to be by 30.  Their career didn’t pan out the way they wanted, maybe they aren’t married with kids.  Or maybe just the opposite.  Maybe everything came together for you just how you planned.  So you begin to plan your next 30 years.  I have no idea what turning 30 feels like, I haven’t honestly even thought about it…

Tomorrow, on my 30^th birthday, Jonathan will be getting a PET scan.  A day I’ve been dreading for months now.  By Friday we will know our fate.  Are we back to square 1 and we start this all over again, or can Jonathan begin to recover and life can maybe be something that resembles life before cancer.  Unlike life one year ago, we now can only plan life in 3 month increments.  We plan life until his next PET scan. 

I feel confident that everything will come back clean and we can finish his last 2 rounds in March and then begin to recover from the last year.  But no matter how confident anyone can be even just the tiniest possibility that you could get bad news is crippling.  The fear is crippling.  We’ve been telling the kids for the last couple weeks now that daddy just has a couple more hospital trips and he we be all better.  He will start to feel better.  What if I’m a liar?  Tonight I know Jax knew the magnitude of his prayer as he prayed for daddy’s scan.  Lately daddy getting better has seemed as redundant as “and thank you for all our blessings, Amen.”  But tonight I watched him wipe a tear from his eye as he asked God for a good scan, No more Cancer, No more chemo, and for daddy to take him to play golf again. 

Our Dr. even expressed his own anxiety over Jonathan’s scans.  I can’t even imagine doing his job to tell you the truth.  The possibility of giving people bad news like that… He began to explain how some patients are harder than others.  Some you begin to get attached to.  He told us Jonathan’s scan have to come back clear for his own sanity.

Over the last few days my mind has begun to wonder, did I pray enough?  Have I been listening and doing what I’m supposed to be doing?  Have I learned what the point of all of this was?  Jonathan’s mom and I joked around about this recently, I would have listened to a burning bush!  As if anything I can do will change the outcome.  I know it won’t, but the thought is human nature I’m sure. 

 

So tonight my blog is going to be rather short.  But I appeal to you to please keep our family in your prayers for the next few days.  We really need Jonathan’s scan to come back clean.  We are both trying to so hard to be positive, and to handle this with every ounce of grace God sends our way.  But the truth is we are very ready for this nightmare to end for us.  I would much rather focus my extra energy helping others through their nightmare!  Thank you for taking a moment to pray for us.