We Did It! Last Chemo Day

I had a neighbor pull over this weekend as I was doing yard work to tell me she was looking at the blog almost daily waiting to hear the scan results!  I guess after I posted it to Facebook I totally forgot I needed to fill in all our blog followers.  It made me so happy to see her face light up when I told her our great news... HIS SCAN WAS CLEAR!  So tonight I sit down and write, as Jonathan is at the hospital, probably taking his very last drop of chemo as we speak.

I almost can't even describe our feelings over the last couple of weeks.  This last year has been one hell of a wild ride for our entire family.  When Jonathan told me Dr. Raj called and his scan was clear, I actually jumped on the bed and started dancing!  Jonathan laughed at me, but I think if he could jump he would have joined me.  But after that initial excitement, we realized we still had 2 more rounds to finish and that pure joy hasn't quite yet returned.  I'm hoping as we wrap up the chemo, and the side effects start to dissipate, our joy will continue to grow.  We have been much happier these last couple weeks, but I guess it's hard to be "over the moon" when Jonathan is still having to deal with all the side effects of chemo.  Maybe that's why we aren't feeling like one would expect?  But don't worry, the therapist said we are both still normal. 

(Our family photo as daddy was getting his last round of chemo!)

 

So today was Jonathan's last day of chemotherapy!  It turned out to be kind of an interesting day... Similar to the very first day we checked in for chemo, there was no bed for him.  This time we know the nurses and decided to check ourselves into the family room on the 7th floor instead of wait on the 9th floor.  So we hung out with strangers and they started Jonathan on his IV in the waiting room.  We met another very nice young family who's daddy/husband has multiple myeloma.  This very young girl had her first experience calling 911 the night before as her daddy was bleeding profusely from his hickman, just like Jonathan has.  His chemo isn't working!  I think these girls were maybe 7 and 9 with a mom not much older than Jon and I.  She told us we made her day that she got to meet someone that beat it, and we got to share with her what today feels like.  So as I'm suppose to sit here and write about how awesome today is, I can't stop crying for this family.  This is what we see every day in that hospital, and being that family is still my worse fear.  Maybe that's why we can't actually feel so "over the moon" excited.  This is so very real to us.  And if it isn't us, we have a very real understanding that it is happening to someone else. 

But we also got to learn what a true gift we have been given, and we plan on making the most of every second we have together as a family, before Jonathan goes back to work.  If the Doc gives us the green light we may take a road trip over the boy's spring break just the 4 of us.  Then shortly after that we are going to head to Hawaii for a week to fulfill a promise to the kids on that vacation to the ocean.  It's about 1 summer late, and we are beyond ready to escape from life for a few days and just relax with no worries or stress about doctors, chemo, chores, etc.  I'm certain when we get there, that pure joy feeling will be back!  It really means that this is over.

I'm going to leave you with Jax's prayer from tonight.  "Jesus, thank you that tomorrow daddy gets the tubes out of his chest.  He is really excited about that.  And Jesus, thank you for listening to my prayers and helping dr. Raj take away daddy's Cancer.  You have magic!  Please help me have no bad dreams tonight.  Amen!"

(Thank you to the nurses from the bottom of our hearts for everything you have done to help Jonathan over the last 9 months.  You are an incredible crew that has allowed Jonathan to keep his sense of humor and helped him make the best of something not so awesome!  You are a gift from God!  Trust me, I understand why you have started taking his blood pressure around his neck!)

Requesting Prayer, Very Big Day Ahead

I'm sitting down on the eve of my 30th birthday to update you all on a very big couple of days that lay ahead of us.  I think at this point in most people’s lives they take some time to reflect on their last 30 years.  I think some people get a little depressed because maybe they aren’t where they expected to be by 30.  Their career didn’t pan out the way they wanted, maybe they aren’t married with kids.  Or maybe just the opposite.  Maybe everything came together for you just how you planned.  So you begin to plan your next 30 years.  I have no idea what turning 30 feels like, I haven’t honestly even thought about it…

Tomorrow, on my 30^th birthday, Jonathan will be getting a PET scan.  A day I’ve been dreading for months now.  By Friday we will know our fate.  Are we back to square 1 and we start this all over again, or can Jonathan begin to recover and life can maybe be something that resembles life before cancer.  Unlike life one year ago, we now can only plan life in 3 month increments.  We plan life until his next PET scan. 

I feel confident that everything will come back clean and we can finish his last 2 rounds in March and then begin to recover from the last year.  But no matter how confident anyone can be even just the tiniest possibility that you could get bad news is crippling.  The fear is crippling.  We’ve been telling the kids for the last couple weeks now that daddy just has a couple more hospital trips and he we be all better.  He will start to feel better.  What if I’m a liar?  Tonight I know Jax knew the magnitude of his prayer as he prayed for daddy’s scan.  Lately daddy getting better has seemed as redundant as “and thank you for all our blessings, Amen.”  But tonight I watched him wipe a tear from his eye as he asked God for a good scan, No more Cancer, No more chemo, and for daddy to take him to play golf again. 

Our Dr. even expressed his own anxiety over Jonathan’s scans.  I can’t even imagine doing his job to tell you the truth.  The possibility of giving people bad news like that… He began to explain how some patients are harder than others.  Some you begin to get attached to.  He told us Jonathan’s scan have to come back clear for his own sanity.

Over the last few days my mind has begun to wonder, did I pray enough?  Have I been listening and doing what I’m supposed to be doing?  Have I learned what the point of all of this was?  Jonathan’s mom and I joked around about this recently, I would have listened to a burning bush!  As if anything I can do will change the outcome.  I know it won’t, but the thought is human nature I’m sure. 

 

So tonight my blog is going to be rather short.  But I appeal to you to please keep our family in your prayers for the next few days.  We really need Jonathan’s scan to come back clean.  We are both trying to so hard to be positive, and to handle this with every ounce of grace God sends our way.  But the truth is we are very ready for this nightmare to end for us.  I would much rather focus my extra energy helping others through their nightmare!  Thank you for taking a moment to pray for us.