3 Month Mark

It’s almost been 3 months since Jonathan passed away.  I’ve been having a hard time sleeping for some reason the last few days, so I thought I would write a blog update.  People always ask how things are going so hopefully this will give some insight into what this is like.

I don’t write many blog updates anymore because I feel like there isn’t much to say that you all don’t already know.  I’m Sad!  That pretty much sums it up.  My aunt Shannon has been encouraging me to continue writing as that has been my therapy through these last 2 years.  My friend gave me a journal, so I have been hand writing to the boys about their dad.  I started at the day I first remember meeting him.  What he was like way back then, what he smelled like, his personality, his green car with the squeaky door.  Literally everything I can remember.  I think it is helping me.  Some nights I fall asleep laughing, and some nights I cry.  Some nights I don’t write anything at all. 

Truthfully the boys are really doing very well.  They don’t get sad much anymore.  They talk about daddy every day though.  How he made better pancakes than me, how he would have thought something was funny, how he would brush their teeth, or that he would let them get a slushy and I never do.  We went golfing this week and they had to show me the secret hole dad showed them at Manito.  (I know, it’s almost July and it’s the first time I’ve taken them golfing.  Jonathan would be ashamed of me!)  The boys told me dad always let them have raspberry tea when they golfed, so we got some tea and they had a wonderful time.  Jax is getting stronger and Jude is really picking it up as well.  I feel like Jax is a bit sensitive at times, but he has always been that kid.  So I don’t think it is because of Jonathan anymore.  They are adjusting really well and overall are very happy kids excited to ride bikes and swim.

This last month has gotten hard for me.  I think I’m making progress and trying to do things to push myself forward.  I took my wedding ring off at Christmas because Jonathan bought me a new ring that isn’t a wedding ring but something he thought I could wear forever.  I had been wearing it as a wedding ring, but I went to have it resized to move to my other hand.  That was where he intended it to be.  He wanted me to be ok, and move forward.  He wanted me to be happy.  So I’m really trying.  I packed my first box this month of his golf hats and clothes and moved them to storage for the boys.  As I went through all his hats (he bought a hat at each new course he would play) I thought how cool it would be for the boys to go through those later in life and try to go play some of those courses their dad played. 

I went to a grief seminar this month with my friend Harmony who is just a couple month ahead of me on this not so fun path.  We weren’t very impressed with the seminar, but we had a good time together afterward at dinner.  I guess I just already knew that I’m trying to keep myself super busy so I don’t have to think about things.  The scale has told me I’m eating as a coping mechanism.  Yeah so how do I fix it?  Oh and I don’t think about dying so I could be with Jonathan, I’m not walking the slippery slope of suicide talk.  (That was like 45 minutes of the seminar… it is normal but a slippery slope LOL)  Since I didn’t get any great advice on how to fix me, I decided I guess I just have to do it myself.  I’ve tried to check out a little bit from Cancer Can’t at night time to just be, and I’ve lost 5 pounds.  Only 10 more to go… then I’ll be back to where I started 2 years ago.

Dad has moved back out and went home.  So I’ve been alone for about a month now with just the boys.  I think he has discovered he enjoys retirement and sitting down to a cup of coffee that hasn’t been microwaved 4 times is much more enjoyable.  When he is here, he is totally checked in and the kids know it.  Papa is on duty and they take full advantage.  So we miss papa, but it is probably good that we start doing this alone.  Or at least that is what we are being told… I would be fine with dad living here.  Judge me all you want!

Now that it’s just me and the boys, I’m realizing how lonely I actually am.  The days are usually ok because I keep myself busy, but nights are really hard.  My friends go home to their husbands and kids, and hanging out until 10 isn’t super appealing when you have to work the next day and they want to be with your own family.  I get it.  When Jonathan and I did marriage counseling, we read this book called the 5 love languages by Gary Chapman.  (Highly recommend)  In my loneliness I have been thinking about this concept.  Maybe I’m having a pity party here, but my love language happens to be physical touch.  Could there be a worse love language to have when you loose your spouse?  I love getting flowers (gifts), and I love spending time with friends (quality time), I appreciate kinds words (words of affirmation), and people have done so many things for me (acts of service).  But what I really want is a real hug.  Not like the hello/goodbye hug that I get every day, but to be held.  I miss just snuggling up on the couch to watch tv, or even when he would smack my butt in the kitchen while I’m cooking.  I’m pretty sure I could talk one of my friends into smacking my butt now and again, but I just don’t think it will be the same gesture.  It’s kind of weird to think about anyone other than your companion fulfilling the love language of physical touch.  I mean I can think of 2 times since Jonathan died that I had someone show me love in this way.  I snuggled with my dad on the couch one night while watching tv, and my cousin Ryan put his arm around me on a tee box while golfing and just rubbed my arm for a few moments.  So not that any wife wouldn’t miss the touch of their spouse, but maybe the need is just greater when that is your love language.  When it is anyone other than your companion, the gesture could seem weird.  (So no need for anyone to attempt to smack me on the butt)

The other night Jude put on Jonathan’s deodorant after his bath.  It wasn’t just a little bit under his pits, I watched him do his neck, and pull his waist band out and put it just below is belly button. (Not sure where he saw this, I don’t think Jonathan put deodorant there… but maybe if he was trying to get lucky or something)  Anyway, when I went to check on Jude before going to sleep when I gave him a kiss he smelled like Jonathan.  So I picked him up and brought him to bed with me.  I snuggled him until I fell asleep, mostly because I just wanted to smell him and feel like I was snuggling Jonathan. 

Many of you may not know that Jonathan wanted to donate his body so that they could study his cancer.  He felt very strongly about his body being an empty vessel and that it wasn’t him anymore.  So we didn’t bury him, or put him in a wall somewhere.  BUT when you donate your body, when they are done, they send you cremated remains.  I got those in the mail last week.  Yep, they mailed him to me!  My dad had no idea what he was signing for when he was visiting that day.  He set Jonathan on the counter and Jude colored all over the box.  Haha  Life is right back to normal for him I guess.  So now I need to plan a few trips to scatter ashes I guess.  The boys keep asking about Maui!  Sounds like a good plan to me.

Overall though I think I’m doing ok.  I think being lonely is just what I’m going to have to go through.  I still laugh everyday and try to live how Jon would want me to.  He showed Christ in the way he lived by always being so positive, and caring of others while in the midst of fighting a battle he never deserved.  I’m trying to honor both Jon and Christ by being ok, moving forward, do what he told me to do, laugh, and see the good and beautiful things around me.  I know many of you are still praying for me and the boys.  We appreciate that very much.