I haven’t sat down to write in the last week because I’ve
been having such a hard time coming to grips with what is happening to our family. I’ve really been
struggling with this and just when you think it can’t get worse. It does!
So we had a plan, and I was beginning to wrap my mind around
the plan. I think we were prepared for
what to expect for at least the next few months… And then we went to our follow
up appointment with the surgeon. He
asked if we had spoken with Chappie, the surgeon in Seattle. We hadn’t, and he explained that he had been,
extensively actually. So he began to
explain to us, that the biopsy of the bone came back positive for cancer
cells. He told us the biopsy that he
took was higher up into the hip socket than what we thought. He said it didn’t look like cancer up that
high, but he did the biopsy that high so they knew the required margins for the
next surgery. So now that this biopsy
was positive, that changed the surgery from what we originally discussed. Now a hip replacement was no longer an
option. They would have to remove so
much of his pelvis that there would be no hip socket left to hold his leg. This surgery is going to require that they
amputate Jonathan's leg and remove most of his left pelvis.
Both boys were in the room with us during this
appointment. Jude had his mind set that
he was going to help remove Jonathan’s staples, so we brought them along
thinking there wouldn’t be any big surprises.
We were wrong, and it forced me to hold it together… at least for a few
minutes.
So the Doctor continued… This is a very major surgery. You would be in the ICU for days. And I don’t want to sound harsh, but I need
to be frank. Your chances with this
chemo aren’t good. I want you to know I
don’t recommend you even do this surgery.
There was a silence in the room that was far louder than the sound of
Jax playing angry birds on Jonathan’s phone.
I then asked “So is it true that there is a 100% fatality if you do not
remove the complete tumor?” He quietly
says, Yes. Jonathan asked “Is there any chance that chemo
and radiation could shrink the tumor enough that it would change the surgery?” He says, there is a small chance, but not to
get our hopes up for that to be the case.
We finished our conversation with the doctor, and then the
nurse came in to remove the staples.
Jude jumped to his feet and asked her if he could help. He and Jax had no idea what was just
discussed and that I was trying with every fiber in my being to keep from
crying. Jonathan looked at me with so
much strength in his eyes and whispers “It’s just a leg babe.” I began to help Jude put on some surgical
gloves because he somehow talked the nurse and his daddy into letting him
remove the staples from Jonathan’s butt.
The next thing I knew we were loading the kids into the car and I found
myself crouched by the side of the truck reminding myself to breathe. It was our 11 year anniversary that day, and
I just listened to a doctor tell us to choose quality of life. We got married so young that I knew for sure we would make it to our 50 year anniversary like both my grandparents did... only 11 years and we are already facing this.
By the time we got home, I had to run upstairs because I
could no longer hold myself together in front of the boys. I think Jonathan started a movie for them
then met me upstairs where we once again cried together. He somehow talked me into continuing with our
anniversary plans for the night. So we
headed out to Northern Qwest Casino to check into a hotel room.
I think I cried off and on for a few days. Jonathan seemed to be doing far better than I
was. As we began to talk through this
together, Jonathan is really focusing on living in the moment. He says he is looking at each day as a gift
and he isn’t looking beyond today. So I’m
going to decide to try my best to follow his example.
We are starting chemo on Monday and are continuing with our
plan. We are praying that the chemo is
effective and does shrink his tumor, even though we know that is unlikely. We may try some radiation as well to see if
that will help at all to shrink the tumor.
I think what we will do after a few rounds of chemo is to remove his
soft tissue tumor. We will have them
test the tumor for the effectiveness of the chemo. If the chemo is working effectively we may at
that point choose to remove the bone portion of the tumor in his pelvis along
with his leg if that is required. If the
chemo isn’t showing really good results, we will leave the bone portion of the tumor and head down
to Houston (assuming we even get into the trial).
My dad officially retired last week and is
going to become our grandpa nanny. That means we
have full time help with the kids. He
will move with us wherever we need to go.
This has been a huge blessing for Jonathan and I to know that we have
help with the kids, and that they can come with us wherever we need to go. No matter what happens or where we end up, we can do this together, as a family.
Today I finally feel like I’m starting to feel a bit better. Jonathan and I went to see a counselor
yesterday. I think it was good for both
of us. I’m so grateful for the skills we
had gained over the last year that is helping us communicate through this now. I'm so incredibly grateful for Jonathan's strength and peace right now. Somehow he is being the rock and I'm so glad he is leading our family. We had an elder (or more appropriate, I should
say friend) from our church come and pray with us. I told her how I was struggling between the
fact that I KNOW God can change this in a second. He can heal Jonathan!
But I also know that might not happen for Jonathan and 95% is hard not
to face. And I’m finding myself praying
that whatever God’s will is, that I trust his plan is for good, even if I can’t
see it and don't understand it. But MY will is for him to be
cured, and if I had my way, I would change all of this! I feel like I'm praying out of each side of my mouth. I want to be obedient, but I also want my way. She was a great reminder that we
are to go boldly to Christ. And he is
bigger than this. So I’m not going to be
afraid to ask for healing, even in the face of what these odd are. We are not going to allow our fears, this cancer, this satin, to cripple us! We are not going to quit or give up.
I want to thank our support system. You are truly making a difference in our
situation. I think our dinner sign up sheet was full within an hour and a half of being posted on FB! Pastor Joe briefly chatted about
this verse a couple weeks ago. 2
Corinthians 7:5-6” … but we were harassed at every turn – Conflicts on the
outside. Fear on the inside. But God, who comforts the downcast, comforted
us by the coming of Titus.” We are being
comforted by our friends and family. And I want you all to know we see Christ through your support. Thank you for reaching out to us. And thank you for praying for our family.
Specific Prayer Requests:
1. Help us find the Joy in each day and just live in each Moment. This is incredibly difficult, but we know we can win this battle by how we live. And this is how we want to live.
2. Extremely effective chemo with little or less side effects!
3. Acceptance into the medical trial at Houston.
4. Strength
On another note, Jonathan is planning his chemo schedule around our Cancer Can't dinner and Auction coming up on September 12th. If you can make it to Spokane and want to support us in helping others who are going through this exact same nightmare, we would love that. It does feel really good to help others, and it would feel really good to make this event a huge success.
Speaker: Sean Swarner (check out his story here)
Register: Click here
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