I know most of you have been reading the blog Becky has
written. And she has done an amazing
job, much better than I would have done.
But being half way thru this now I was reflecting and wanted to put some
of the story in my own words. Some of
this may be redundant but hopefully it gives everyone, myself included a
perspective from the patient, the dad, the husband, son, brother...
It all started with the “I'm too young for this feeling...”
But not toward cancer, just toward a simple knee pain. Fast forward a month and I was told it is
probably a tumor in your femur and is most likely cancer. Whoa!
Now I felt I am way too young for this.
At this time we didn't know a lot but we knew this cancer
was bad. The fear was high but we had to
keep living until the docs could tell us more.
That weekend I played in one of my favorite golf tournaments with one of
my closest friends Trevor Shoemaker. My
leg hurt the entire time which was a constant reminder of what was to
come. We had a blast and if I wouldn't have
lost 5 golf balls in 2 holes and Shoe finishing the round of his life making 4
doubles we could have won! Next year
it's ours we said. But that damn cancer
would creep back into my head, will there be a next year, will I have a leg
then, will I be around then? This was
the first real thought of mortality creeping in.
July was here and all the test and biopsies are done. It was confirmed cancer, and not an easy
one. Now those thoughts were harder to
suppress. I was afraid I wouldn't be
able to take my boys to their first Seahawks game. I went every year with my dad and it's one of
those great memories you have, even though it was the 90's Hawks with Rick
Meyer at quarterback. I was a Cowboys
fan back then!
I was afraid I wouldn't be able to take Becky to Europe like
we always talked about. Our 10 year
anniversary was a month away and that was the plan. Another what if we don't get to...
The rest of July was filled with doc appointments but we
snuck some fun in there at the lake and outside with the boys. Watching both
boys jump off a dock for the first time was therapeutic and a reminder that
good things are yet to come.
August and chemo time...
No idea what to expect. The
nurses seem great, fun and can joke around but the answer to any medical or
expectation questions was always "everyone's different". So the first dose of chemo comes in late that
night. The nurses are practically wearing
hazmat suited to handle this little bag.
2 nurses have to read every letter of your name, then your name badge,
then your medical bag and still have the audacity to ask me to confirm my date
of birth. What the hell is in there I'm
thinking. The chemo started running and
it is bright red in color coming down your line which happens to be surgically
inserted in my chest directly accessing my heart. Slowly the bright red fluid gets closer and
I'm wondering if I am going to get hot, cold, nauseated, numb, maybe turn into
the Incredible Hulk, but all I know is "everyone's different",
perfect... 15 min later the chemo is done
and we are ready for the next bag. And
we went thru the whole hazmat suit, name number routine again, even though no
one left the room. I couldn't help but
chuckle and point out the redundancy. Oh
well, their rules not mine.
Few days later I have the first 4 rounds in me and am
home. Nausea was bad, or so we
thought. A few days of no eating and
being extremely tired would turn out to be easy compared to what was to come
with later treatments. After getting
thru that round and feeling better in less than a week I started to have some
hope. I can do this. I can make it thru 8 months.
We had a great 10 year vow renewal ceremony with great
friends. But that thought of mortality
would creep back in. Is this a vow
renewal for our last anniversary...
Grimm thoughts I know but it was thoughts you can't stop. I have a strong enough faith to know God can
heal at any minute but I also have a realistic understanding that God's
ultimate plan isn't always to heal. Too
many people don't beat cancer. Don't get
to their next anniversary, football game, birthday etc... I wasn't mad at God about this, but scared.
A few days after the great anniversary party and the thought
of we can do this for 8 months comes, "oh this is awful get me to the
doctor now". Again no experience
and not much warning I became neutropenic meaning I had no white blood cells
and low platelets. The constant sinus
draining and bleeding became a full double ear infection and sinus
infection. The biopsy site which was
healed split open with an infection and I ended back in the hospital for a few
days. Now the 8 months if this happens
every time seemed a lot longer. Hope and
strength were falling.
The rest of the chemo in Aug and sept went as expected with
awful side affects but getting one down felt good each time. But it was now that the horrible disease
started to take away from me, from our family.
I wasn't a banker any more, I wasn't at work in the social setting that
energizes me. I was playing 9 holes of
golf 1 time a month. I could only play
with the boys for short periods before my leg was hurting. I couldn't get to church if my blood counts
or health wasn't there. I couldn't help
as much around the house. I couldn't sit
with Becky on the couch from the leg pain. At this point cancer was winning and I was
letting it.
The last round a chemo before surgery was late
September. Easy round, excited to be
done for a little while and get the surgery done. Only one problem... A few days after, it gave
me meningitis. Absolute worst feeling
ever, I think Becky’s blog has already gone into this but that's not one I ever
want to go thru again!
So far we think the surgery was a success. Only time will tell this. After surgery I was off chemo and home for 6
weeks. My spirits were up. My body was recovering, hair was even
growing. I was bed ridden for most of that time but the boys could come in and
visit me. I was healthy, able to see
people. I finally felt decent
again.
That was a great recovery month for me. November then came around and chemo was back
on... The first round was the antichrist
of chemo known as cysplatnum. I was sick
and depressed before even getting to the hospital. This was the last thing I wanted to do and
was not mentally prepared for it at all.
Becky, the nurses, the doc could all tell I had changed. I had mentally given up the fight to cancer
this round. The nausea at home was worse
than ever. I can truly say this is the
lowest I had been. I wasn't ready to
give up the fight but I can say I wasn't far from it. Becky knows I would keep fighting as long as
I can but in that moment I didn't know it myself.
After these tough conversations and thoughts came a
choice. I can continue to feel this way
until treatment is over and let cancer win or I can change. I asked to doctor about anti-depressants
which was not a good option for me. But
simpler than that, I can choose to not let cancer take everything it has. I can start taking back.
Since that depth I have gotten back in the gym as often as I
can. Workout at home, nothing like some
oxygen flowing to help your mood a little.
I try and play hide and seek with the boys when I am home. They have an unfair advantage since I have to
hide myself and a walker but it is still fun.
We have had a few small parties at home to get people around. I may not feel the best all the time but I
can choose to fight thru it and not let cancer be a part of it.
Soon I will be able to start walking and driving again,
another milestone to take back from cancer.
The chemo schedule will get a little easier and more time will be freed
up for more non cancer involving activity.
So what's next for me?
I have a friendly bet/challenge with a friend to get my weight and
strength back. I have lost around 30
pounds total, far more than I had to lose.
But my goal will be to get back to that by April. A hard challenge but one I am ready for. Also will be working very hard on getting my
golf game back in shape. This is one of
my few sports I get to continue.
I want to start raising money for the cancer floor. Becky and I have talked about this since we
got up here on this floor. It's a shame
that the rooms for people who are here for so long and are so sick and lonely
are so bland, dreary and uninviting. The
birth suites have all kinds of amenities with fridges and microwaves, color and
they stay is a night or two. Some of the
people I have met are here for a month or more for their treatment. All without the comfort of even keeping your
own food chilled. Or having a curtain in
your room that is less than 10 years old and large enough to cover the
gap. I don't know how much we need to
raise but this will be one of our family’s goals for a long time.
I know Becky has put it in blogs but I have to thank all the
friends, family and some perfect strangers who have stepped up in big
ways. We have gotten help from people we
didn't even know 3 months ago. Food,
cash donations, and child care help, the list goes on. I don't know many of you but our family is
forever grateful for your sacrifices.
Last I want to make a special shout out to my amazing
wife. She has taken over every role in
the home as well as becoming a full time care taker to me. She is my rock, my strength and the person
that keeps me going.
I still don't know what the end of this journey brings. God’s plan is unknown to us, but I know I can
choose to live my life and not let cancer dictate it to me. God knows his plan for us and as we know he
is bigger than any statistics and any disease.
Having peace in that is comforting but challenging. Faith like my 4 year old is what we need every
day. When you talk to Jax, It's always
when your leg is better and when your hair is back, not if, not I hope, but
when.
I found a quote that I find encouraging that I want to
share: Cancer is so limited....It cannot cripple love. It cannot shatter hope.
It cannot corrode faith. It cannot eat away peace. It cannot destroy
confidence. It cannot kill friendship. It cannot shut out memories. It cannot
silence courage. It cannot reduce eternal life. It cannot quench the Spirit.
Author Unknown
Thank you all for following my story and for your continued prayers and support.
Jonathan
