For those of you who have come to visit Jon in the last month or more, would probably say he hasn't been himself. Our closest friends and family have told me they have felt that way, but most people probably wouldn't notice, or wouldn't say anything. But the truth is, this is really starting to take its toll on Jonathan, and I would be lying if I didn't say me too.
I really noticed something was wrong when we came to start chemo all over again after Jonathan's surgery. When we checked into the hospital, Jonathan didn't joke with the nurses, he didn't turn on the TV, he just laid there. As his wife, it was awkward, and I'm sure he was sick of me asking if everything was ok. It was time for another hard conversation, but for some reason I kept saying to myself "the first step is admitting there is a problem." I love that Jonathan is so easy to talk to, and he is so honest. So I don't know why I was surprised that the conversation was as easy as this... Sweety, do you think you might be depressed? "I know I'm depressed" he said.
Unfortunetly he was getting that nasty kind of chemo and he was about to get really sick. So we didn't really do anything, but I decided to start seeing a counselor. I found a wonderful gal at Cancer care NW that specializes in counseling people through this process of cancer treatment. She gave me tools to use while talking to Jonathan. She gave great advice and answered some lingering questions.
If you are married, you've probably had some hard conversations with your spouce. But for a second imagine one of you has cancer, a serious cancer. Now imagine what kind of pillow talk you have with your spouce? I imagine that couples reaching their 60s and 70s probably start to have these more serious conversations, but never did I ever think at 30 I would be talking about some of this stuff. Truthfully it's amazing it has taken him this long to start really feeling depressed.
Jonathan is a wonderful husband. He is an amazing father. He has many friends. He provides for our family and is always so generous to others. He loves to be an active person, playing golf, spending time at the gym. To him, he feels like he has lost or failing at all of these things. He has been more or less locked in a room or hospital room for months now. It's not hard to see how someone going through what he is going through would get depressed.
But we weren't just going to accept that he has cancer and he is just going to feel depressed. We sure as heck will fight that too! After Jonathan started feeling better after the last horrible dose of chemo and we were heading back to the hospital for a 3 week stint, we decided to talk to his doctor. I can't tell you how proud I am of him for being so honest about this. I feel like so many people are ashamed of feeling depressed and so they don't say anything and continue to live in misery. Unfortunetly Jonathan's doctor told us that often anti depression meds exasterbate chemo side effects. So at this point we should start trying everything natural that we can. We are adding vitamin D to his 500 pills. Now that Jonathan is starting to get around a bit more, we are making every attempt to get out of the house. We are trying to make arrangements with friends, play games and be social. (Thank you to those friends that have come by and helped in lifting his spirits) Jonathan is even hitting the gym with me when he isn't in the hospital! We are diving into a bible study together on 2 peter, and Jonathan has been working on his own "power scripture" program. After 2 weeks of forcing natural things that boost your mood, I think Jonathan is starting to feel a bit better.
We've been in the hopsital for the last 2 weeks, and home on the weekends. Jonathan and I were nervous for this type of chemo, as the last time he took it, he got meningitis. The last 2 weeks they have been treating him for meningitis while also giving him his chemo. It seems to be working and he has had no syptoms of getting meningitis again. We are so glad about that! We are currently struggling with a little cold going through the house. Seems minor to most, but for Jonathan, minor can mean more days in the hospital. So we have tried to be careful, wearing masks etc.
Today we sit in the hospital awaiting another dose of the antichrist of Chemo, right before Christmas. This year is going to be much different than in the past, BUT above all we are so grateful that Jonathan will be home and the 4 of us will be together on Christmas. (and hopefully Jonathan will be up for watching the boys open gifts, even if we have to do it in bed with him).
There have been so many people that have been so kind to us this Christmas Season. We are so grateful for you and thank you so much! There are so many people that show Christ in their kindness. It is a great reminder of what Christmas is really all about. We hope everyone has a wonderful Christmas and just take some extra time to cherish the people that you love. We will be!
If you are interested in a hopital game night, please send me a message so we can coordinate. Last week we did a game night and the 4 of us had an absolute blast! We would love to start doing that more often! It has been a long time since Jonathan has laughed that hard. This seemed like a great way to lift spirits. Let us know if you are game!
